By Michael Warren
In a misty Scottish loch (lake) not far from Inverness is the "Official Loch Ness Monster Visitor's Center and Smoked Salmon Shop."
This was my destination in a search for hard, cold--even slightly odoriferous--facts about the "kindly sea cow" of Loch Ness.
Taken from Youth 90 magazine
In a misty Scottish loch (lake) not far from Inverness is the "Official Loch Ness Monster Visitor's Center and Smoked Salmon Shop."
This was my destination in a search for hard, cold--even slightly odoriferous--facts about the "kindly sea cow" of Loch Ness.
Of course, there are many lake monsters in Scotland. Besides the Ness, they've got "fabulous water beasts" in Iochs Cauldcchields, Oich, Rennoch, Aire and Morar. I'm sure these are all high-quality monsters who are good to their mothers, but quite frankly I only wanted to see Nessie.
I went to Scotland (in part) to dig up some facts about this "dread Scottish sea horse." And here's what I got:
The first guy to spot Nessie was St. Columbia who saw "a monster bearing down on a swimmer" back in A.D. 565.
According to the Chicago Sun-Times, Sept. 11, 1967, St. Columbia--arms outstretched--rebuked the monster in a tone of voice he often used for the "irreligious savages" he was trying to convert.
"Think not to go further," he said, "nor touch thou that man. Quick, go back!" The monster obeyed.
At least that's the story I read. I can't verify it because everyone involved is now dead.
Since then scads of people claim to have seen the thing. In 1933 a London couple on vacation saw a "strange creature emerging from the bracken. It appeared to have a long undulating neck little thicker than an elephant's trunk, a tiny head, a thick ponderous body, and four feet or flappers."
A few people have even taken pictures of this "mysterious animate object." The most famous was in 1934. You've seen it--everyone has. It looks like a dog-paddling giraffe, and it's as much painting as photograph.
The visitor's center has enormous gobs of proof on top of that, mainly in the form of more blurry photos.
I should add that I talked to the visitor's center gardener. He has not actually seen the monster himself, but he knew a couple of guys who had seen "something" not two weeks before.
I was planning to ask a whole bunch of humorous questions to whatever tour guide was on duty (I thought it would impress my girl friend). But apparently in anticipation of my arrival, the tour was given by a tape recorder.
The best proof was at the end of the tour, near the donation box. (I'm not kidding. As if the £5 or so that I paid at the door wasn't enough.)
The clincher proof in this whole Loch Ness Monster business was this: ACTUAL UNIDENTIFIED SONAR BLIPS. Even this highly trained skeptic's eye could not identify them.
Why were there big blips where there weren't supposed to be big blips? You figure it out.
There is only one thing I know for sure, and that's if the "great worm" of Loch Ness does exist, it eats haggis. Haggis is a traditional dish made of--yum!--a sheep's liver, kidneys, and so on, mixed up in oatmeal and cooked in a sheep's stomach.
The only reason anyone would invent such a food is to feed it to a monster. That's just my opinion, of course. As long as Nessie enjoys it, that's fine by me.
I went to Scotland (in part) to dig up some facts about this "dread Scottish sea horse." And here's what I got:
The first guy to spot Nessie was St. Columbia who saw "a monster bearing down on a swimmer" back in A.D. 565.
According to the Chicago Sun-Times, Sept. 11, 1967, St. Columbia--arms outstretched--rebuked the monster in a tone of voice he often used for the "irreligious savages" he was trying to convert.
"Think not to go further," he said, "nor touch thou that man. Quick, go back!" The monster obeyed.
At least that's the story I read. I can't verify it because everyone involved is now dead.
Since then scads of people claim to have seen the thing. In 1933 a London couple on vacation saw a "strange creature emerging from the bracken. It appeared to have a long undulating neck little thicker than an elephant's trunk, a tiny head, a thick ponderous body, and four feet or flappers."
A few people have even taken pictures of this "mysterious animate object." The most famous was in 1934. You've seen it--everyone has. It looks like a dog-paddling giraffe, and it's as much painting as photograph.
The visitor's center has enormous gobs of proof on top of that, mainly in the form of more blurry photos.
I should add that I talked to the visitor's center gardener. He has not actually seen the monster himself, but he knew a couple of guys who had seen "something" not two weeks before.
I was planning to ask a whole bunch of humorous questions to whatever tour guide was on duty (I thought it would impress my girl friend). But apparently in anticipation of my arrival, the tour was given by a tape recorder.
The best proof was at the end of the tour, near the donation box. (I'm not kidding. As if the £5 or so that I paid at the door wasn't enough.)
The clincher proof in this whole Loch Ness Monster business was this: ACTUAL UNIDENTIFIED SONAR BLIPS. Even this highly trained skeptic's eye could not identify them.
Why were there big blips where there weren't supposed to be big blips? You figure it out.
There is only one thing I know for sure, and that's if the "great worm" of Loch Ness does exist, it eats haggis. Haggis is a traditional dish made of--yum!--a sheep's liver, kidneys, and so on, mixed up in oatmeal and cooked in a sheep's stomach.
The only reason anyone would invent such a food is to feed it to a monster. That's just my opinion, of course. As long as Nessie enjoys it, that's fine by me.
Taken from Youth 90 magazine
No comments:
Post a Comment